


Good Enough: Part One

by TheBananasaurus



Series: Good Enough [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Stucky - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Childhood Abuse, Dom!Bucky, Fear of Sexuality, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Orphans, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Religious Guilt, Smut, Virgin Steve Rogers, WWII Stucky, pre-serum stucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-12 18:00:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7943971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBananasaurus/pseuds/TheBananasaurus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is scrawny little Steve Rogers good enough for handsome, skirt-chasing Bucky Barnes? For Bucky, it's bad enough that he's at least somewhat homosexual in an age that hardly welcomes their kind, but living with the man he'd been in love with since they were teenagers was beginning to be pure torture, and he's turned to the drink to drown his feelings out.</p><p>For Steve, it's gonna take a whole lot more than booze to reveal why romance scares the living piss out of him.</p><p>Together, they learn the secrets they've hidden so well from each other, all thanks to a little liquid courage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You're Drunk

_November 30th, 1940_

This was hardly unusual, Bucky being late. He usually stopped at the bar after work with his coworkers to let off a little steam before coming home.

But midnight? That was really late.

_Too_ late.

In the middle of a terrible Brooklyn winter (though nowhere near as bad as the one in ‘34), in which Steve had been forced to bundle up in front of the stove to warm his rattling bones, Bucky was possibly out there, somewhere, unconscious and freezing to death in a gutter.

And Steve couldn’t do a damn thing about it. He’d tried, of course - pulled on as many layers as he possessed, climbed down the stairs of their apartment to the ground floor, fighting full-body shivers, but as soon as he stepped outside, the wind bowled him over and lay him flat on his ass. He was lucky the super had been up late and shuffling about in the basement to hear his pitiful yelp, or he would’ve been stuck out in the cold as well.

The much older man scolded him like a child (he was the same height as one, so a lot of people seemed to regard him in the same manner) and helped him back to his apartment. After this frustrating and humiliating episode, Steve had set himself in front of the only heating source they could afford and resigned himself to waiting in perpetuity for a best friend that might never come home.

His lids had started to disobey him, drifting closed only to be fluttered back open a half-second later, as exhaustion took its toll, when he heard someone fumbling with the lock at the front door.

_He’s home! He’s alright!_ Steve thought, elated. A renewed energy propelled him into movement. He threw off the woolen quilt and scrambled to his feet just as the door swung open and **_banged_ ** into the wall, stopping him short.

Yes, this was Bucky, and yes, he was home… but something definitely wasn’t ‘alright.’

**“** **_Heeeyyy,_ ** **Stevie~!”** drawled the taller man, swaying a bit as he crossed the threshold. He wore a lop-sided grin and his hair and clothing were tousled, sloppy. One suspender hung off his shoulder and his button-up work shirt was opened and askew to reveal the white undershirt beneath, as if he’d tried to just _tear_ the damn thing off. It was fourteen below zero, and yet somehow the guy managed to look like he’d just been wandering around in mid-summer heat. Where was his jacket? Likely still at the bar.

**“You’re drunk,”** stated Steve flatly, straightening up as his eyes ticked over the flushed cheeks and glazed eyes. He could smell the alcohol on his friend’s breath from five feet away.

Bucky puckered his lip in a mock pout and managed to close the door behind him without looking back. **“Aw, c’** ** _mooon_ ** **, buddy. Don’t gimme that look. It’s been a long day.”**

He started to sway again, lurching dangerously to one side as he started walking forward, but a quick shuffle of one foot caught his balance. Steve blew out a harsh sigh and closed the distance between them to sling one limp arm over his shoulder as Bucky broke his facade and snickered. The strong scent of beer roiled the blonde’s already anxiety-induced upset stomach. **“Let’s just get you to bed,”** he muttered. **“Come on.”**

But they didn’t make it more than two steps when he felt Bucky’s weight shift and his humid breath warm on his neck. **“** **_Mmh…_ ** **yer wearin’ the cologne I got ya,”** he murmured, appreciatively taking an unabashed whiff.

It felt as if flames were licking up Steve’s throat and prickling his cheeks and ears, likely dusting them with rosy color. He swallowed and turned his head away as much as he could to hide the effect Bucky had on him, tugging on his friend’s arm to keep momentum up. **“Y-yeah,”** he stuttered, before taking in a steeling breath and trying again in a stronger voice. **“You said the dames at school would go for it, so it was worth a shot.”**

They hadn’t, of course. Not a single female ever noticed him unless Bucky was there to point him out, and even then attention usually reverted back to the strapping, boisterous fella instead of the meek, scrawny one. He honestly didn’t blame ‘em: who’d want a shrimp like him?

Bucky acquiesced, at least physically, allowing himself to be pulled into the bedroom they shared and over to his own bed. Of course, just as Steve thought the nightmarish evening was drawing to a close, the other man parted his lips and grazed his teeth over his nape with two whispered words knocking the wind out of him. **_“I lied…”_ **

**“Wha--?!”** choked out Steve, but all that weight on him with the addition of an alien feeling zipping down his spine and sparking a fire at its base had his knees buckling. Gravity took its hold and the floor seemed to fly up until those useless knees hit it and Buckly slipped off his shoulder to roll, laughing, onto his back. The blonde cinched his eyes closed and inhaled sharply through his teeth, hissing, as pain momentarily jolted aside other thoughts.

**_“Hah!”_ ** barked Bucky, leaning onto his side and pushing himself upright, his weight balanced on one thigh on the floor. He was grinning like a maniac even as he lay a heavy hand on his friend’s shoulder. **“I lied,”** he repeated, and Steve forced his eyes open as his backside dropped to the floor and his face fell slack, lips parting in a silent question.

**“I said that only t’make sure you’d wear it. I like how it smells on ya,”** Bucky answered, his grin faltering only slightly at the edges as he made eye contact with those searching seafoam blues.

Steve was clutching his chest as he felt an attack coming on, burning in his lungs and squeezing the air out of him. Even though he knew he should focus on his breathing, he couldn’t help but wheeze brokenly, probing for more information. **“Why --** **_hnnh!_ ** **\-- w-why do you --** **_hnn!_ ** **\-- care?”**

Bucky’s brows knitted together and his smile ran away from his face in earnest. He looked like he’d been punched in the gut, the way hurt seemed to saturate his expression. **“You can’t be that** **_thick,_ ** **pal.”**

**“T-try me,”** retorted Steve, feeling strangely defensive and yet guilty for causing pain with the bite to his words. He had a vague idea, now, what could possibly drive his best guy to buy him something nice just to have him wear it for him and him alone, but a complete lack of self-esteem drove the notion down under a mountain of doubt.

The brunette hesitated, glancing aside as his tongue pushed between his lips to wet the bottom one. The wait had Steve’s gut twisting painfully on top of the lack of air being pulled into his seizing lungs. He tasted bile at the back of his throat.

**“...Because I got… I got eyes for you, Stevie,”** Bucky muttered,  tucking his chin as he looked up from beneath the shadow of his brow. He was smiling, but there was an unfamiliar vulnerability in his big, doe eyes that caught Steve off guard almost as much as having his _mouth_ on his _neck_.

Steve’s breath hitched and completely cut off as his friend leaned forward and smoothed the palm that had been on his shoulder over his heaving chest. **“Breathe with me, buddy,”** whispered the larger man, taking one of the other’s hands and flattening it to his own chest. **“In and out.”**

They had done this ritual a million times before since they were kids, when Steve found himself unable to self-soothe, but now, as he felt Bucky’s heart thudding beneath his far more defined pectoral muscles as they rose and fell rhythmically, something had changed.

And yet, though he’d heard the words and believed them not to be some cruel joke, he still didn’t quite get it. **“Why…?”** he asked, unblinkingly keeping his friend’s gaze. He started to feel his lungs open up a little, but his throat had become inexplicably thick. How could a red-blooded, skirt-chasing, broad-shouldered man like Bucky Barnes ever fall for _him_ , let alone another man?

For some reason, this question tugged a wistful smirk onto Bucky’s moistened lips, and Steve couldn’t help but look down at them for a split second. **“You got a lot more goin’ on then you think, Steve,”** chuckled Bucky, but the sound was… hollow. He released Steve’s hand and leaned away to start slowly trying to stand. **“I hope you’re not thinkin’ of running for the hills now. We can just forget I said anything.”**

Steve’s forehead crumpled as his brows flew up, and before conscious thought went into it, his arm shot out of its own accord and he snagged Bucky’s undershirt. **“N-no!”** he shouted hoarsely.

As Bucky froze and looked up from where he’d been attempting to put his sprawled limbs in order, the rashness and pitiful desperation of Steve’s actions sunk into both of them.

**“I…”** croaked Steve, swallowing and relinquishing his hold on the fabric. **“I only asked ‘cause I couldn’t… I didn’t… understand how you… how we could both be…”**

_Homosexuals..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ ** _Author's Note:_** _I promised I wouldn't post this until it was completed, but I got part one done and the urge to post **could not be denied.** So, here ya go: first chapter of 'Good Enough: Part One.'_
> 
>  
> 
> _Loads more to come~!_
> 
>  
> 
>  _P.S. This fanfiction gets very dark and very angsty. I'd say it's about 50% smut and 50% angst, but that might be a little off. Send me comments to tell me what you think!_ ]


	2. Thinkin' Straight

A slow, close-lipped smile creeped onto Bucky’s mouth, curling the edges like a cat that had cornered its prey. **“You’re soft on me too, huh, Stevie,”** he smoothed, hooding his unfocused eyes. The sound was rumbled, like a purr, in the blonde’s ears.

**“Yeah…”** admitted Steve, averting his gaze as that terrible pin-pricking heat washed over his face and ears again. He didn’t realize Bucky had moved in closer to him until he felt calloused fingers cupping his cheek and tugging his face forward. By the time he flashed his eyes up to see just what the _heck_ was happening, those lips he’d always fantasized about were pressing softly to his own, and the cloying scent of alcohol on his friend’s hot breath swirled in his nostrils.

**“Mmph!”** cried out Steve, any words he’d meant to say muffled uselessly. He wanted this… more than anything in the world, but it wasn’t right. The timing was terrible. Pulling on his seemingly depthless well of self-control, he braced a hand back on Bucky’s chest and yanked his head away, breaking this kiss with a suckling gasp.

**“** **_Ah--!_ ** **Buck, it’s -- you’re** **_drunk_ ** **!”**

Bucky dabbed his tongue over his bottom lip as if trying to catch some of the lingering taste of Steve on it. **“So** **_what?_ ** **”** he whispered, his voice alarmingly husky compared to the smooth drawl from only seconds prior. He tucked that plush lip beneath his crooked, fang-like canine tooth and tilted his head while his hungry gaze raked over Steve, laying him bare with his imagination.

**“** **_So,_ ** **you’re not thinkin’ straight,”** insisted the smaller man, even as he watched Bucky’s eyes lowering to where his trousers had started to tent. Shame flooded him and he closed his thighs, but his friend wasn’t having any of that.

**“I _never_   think straight when I’m around you,”** Bucky chuckled, his other hand sliding up Steve’s leg to brush his fingers over the beginnings of unwanted arousal. **“Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll stop anytime...”**

**“F-funny,”** Steve stuttered, before a ball of anger formed beneath his breast at how his body was betraying him, belying his inner wants and _needs_ while he was trying to do what he thought was the right thing. **“I don’t wa--** **_ahh~_ ** **!”**

Right when he was about to lie (badly) through his teeth, Bucky’s hand formed about the outline of his prick and kneaded it with the heel of his palm, and a pathetic little whine came out instead.

**_“Oh, boy,”_ ** murmured Bucky, ducking his head forward to tuck into the crook of Steve’s neck. He nipped at the tensed tendon there teasingly, sending a spark down Steve’s spine. **“You’re packin’ a whole lot more than I thought you were, baby…”**

Steve’s mind reeled as his lashes fluttered wildly. He tried to back up, but his shoulderblades banged up against the metal frame of the bed behind him. The wince of brief pain was nothing, but being called by that _pet name_ while having his manhood stroked was a bit much for him. He couldn’t think, much less speak, but Bucky helpfully filled the silence.

**“Ya know, I always wondered what you looked like** **_hard_** **, Stevie,”** he said, laying a tender kiss where his teeth had been **. “Wondered if any girl I set you up with got to see it. Drove myself** **_nuts_** **.”**

With his eyes rolling back, Steve realized his jaw had dropped open and quickly closed it as he shoved Bucky away. Though, with the position they were now in, his friend leaning into him and nibbling at his throat, another scent - Bucky’s natural musk - invaded his senses and made the attempt weak and halfhearted at best. **“N-no girl’s ever s-seen me… like this. Bucky, get off. C’mon, man.”**

The admission of his complete and total virginity, even to his best friend, had been followed by another flood of humiliation, but instead of making fun of him, Bucky actually _moaned_ and squeezed his prize all the harder, sending a shudder through Steve that stoked the flames at the pit of his stomach. Another alien sensation, and unfamiliar tightness to his family jewels, hitched his breathing all over again.

**_“God,_ ** **Stevie,”** groaned Bucky, removing his hand from the other’s face to rub at his own trapped erection impatiently. **“That means I get to be the first person to make you** **_cum,_ ** **don’t it?”**

No one had ever spoken to Steve like that, especially not with such raw, shameless enthusiasm. The animalistic rumble to Bucky’s voice, combined with the way his hand was grinding on the blonde’s previously untouched dick, added to the tension that had grown suddenly unbearable in his balls.

Before he could process any of these novel feelings, something like a tightly wound spring inside him was suddenly released, jolting his entire frame and forcing out a grunting, pitiful _whimper_ as his shaft spasmed and spurted warm, sticky fluid from his tip.

**_“Ohhh,_ ** **fff** ** _fuck yeah, baby,”_ ** hissed Bucky in his ear, continuing to rub him in time with each successive throb. **“Cum for me, Steve. Cum all up in those pants for me…”**

Oh, _Christ_ , it felt so good… like every wet dream he’d ever had, but a thousand times better, because this was _real_ , and he hadn’t woken up alone, in bed, covered in his own mess and terrified someone would see him like that. And yet...

Despite being in a post-orgasmic daze, he still had the wherewithal to grimace with utter self-loathing at how quickly and easily that had happened. Bucky’d just barely _touched_ him and he all but **_exploded_**.

**“Oh** **_God_ ** **, gross, I’m s-sorry,”** he stuttered, clenching his jaw and dropping his hand from Bucky’s chest in an effort to push the other man’s palm away. He needed to hide the damp spot on his trousers, needed to get Bucky away from his spent member, so he could just… go clean up and hopefully get swallowed by the ground. _Uuugh._

**“Are you** **_kidding?!_ ** **”** laughed Bucky, bringing his head up and leaning back so Steve could see the exhilarated grin spread wide on his cheeks. He looked like Christmas had come early and he’d gotten exactly what he’d wished for. **“That was the hottest thing I’ve ever** **_seen!_ ** **An’ it’s your first time, so I didn’t… hey. Hey, are you shivering?”**

Indeed, it seemed now that his body wasn’t suffused with an unnatural warmth, the cocktail of hormones flooding his system and the chill of being on the icy floor was taking control of him, making him shake like a leaf in a storm. His teeth were chattering, but he tried to answer anyway.

**_“Yuh_ ** **-yeah… s’cold,”** he managed, though the trembling was much stronger than he’d ever experienced just by cold alone. Then again, whenever he _had_ woken up from one of those blissful dreams, smeared in fluid and sweat, he had always been shaking uncontrollably. Maybe it wasn’t just being cold that did this… But the moisture clinging to his inner thigh certainly wasn’t helping things.

**_“Oh,”_ ** Bucky breathed, realization dawning across his features and pulling his lips into a small circle. **“Oh, buddy, I’m sorry, I wasn’t even thinkin’... here.”**

The larger man leaned forward again and slipped his arms around Steve’s bony frame, surrounding him in a strong, warm hug and pulling him to his chest. Steve allowed this, not putting up any fight, though his mind was screaming for him to go to the bathroom and scrub the mortification from his body. Instead, he tucked his narrow chin onto the bunched muscle of his friend’s shoulder.

A serenity he hadn’t known was possible for him soothed his jarred nerves and helped dissuade him somewhat from all this disgust in himself. He reached up with the hand not covering his crotch and clutched Bucky tightly, and he never wanted this to end… yet still, his body quaked.

**“You’re gonna catch your death,”** murmured Bucky. One arm released Steve to brace himself on the bed behind the blonde and, despite his drunkenness, pulled both of them up and eased the smaller man onto the mattress. Steve said nothing as Bucky squeezed him once and started to extricate himself from his friend’s grasp. Quietly, dutifully, he went back to the kitchen to fetch the forgotten quilt, using furniture and walls to keep himself upright.

While he did this, Steve kicked his shoes and trousers off and and draped Bucky’s blanket around himself before laying on his side in a loose fetal position, burrowing his face into his friend’s pillow. It smelled so damn good to him… like _home._

A soft sound, a breathy chuckle that sounded almost self-satisfied when pushed from Bucky’s nose, alerted him to the fact that his friend was watching him. He opened his eyes and smiled sheepishly, but neither of them said anything yet. Steve watched the other carefully as he flapped the quilt once and lay it over him; immediately, the warmth that had seeped into the fiber from the stove started to still his shivers, so he worked his jaw as it finally unclenched.

“ **Thanks, Buck,”** he said softly, pulling his legs in further to make room as Bucky sat at the edge of the bed and started taking his shoes off.

**“S’awright,”** replied Bucky, almost equally as soft, toeing aside both of their shoes and slipping the remaining suspender over his arm. Steve kept his eyes on him even as he unzipped his pants and lifted one side of his tush, then the other, to tug them off. They’d both seen eachother naked countless times before, in their youth, but the intimacy in seeing Bucky undress down to his drawers and undershirt while he continually watched struck him as surreal. Was he… dreaming?

This _had_ to be a fever dream. Nothing this good ever happened to him.

Bucky looked over after draping his clothes on the footboard and caught Steve staring. His lips tilted into one of those trademark, devilishly handsome ‘Barnes Smirks’ and the blonde finally tore his eyes off of him, flushing anew. What was he, some kind of shy schoolgirl with a crush?

He was so tired, body and mind, but his heart kicked up into a frantic pace all over again as Bucky climbed over him and got beneath the covers to mold his inexplicably _fiery_ body against Steve’s back. Again, another ritual they’d done so many times, but this time, Bucky didn’t pull his hips back to keep his crotch from touching Steve’s backside. Steve had wondered why he did that, but he was about to be answered, _summarily_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ _ **Author's Note:** I am shamefully proud of drunk Bucky for his 'thinking straight' quip. Someone send help._ ]


	3. Lickety-Split

_This_ time, Bucky cuddled his entire frame up against him, nestling the base of what Steve assumed to be a half-hard **_prick_ ** up against his ass. Did that _always_ happen to Bucky when they lay together?!

**_Jesus,_ ** _Bucky_ , Steve thought. He’d thought that the time between their… ‘activity’ and them laying down would cool his friend down a bit, but apparently not. He’d stiffened up with a shock of anxious energy, but by the time Bucky was slithering his hand over his ribs and tucking his bare bicep beneath his arm, Steve had forced his body to relax a little.

**“You okay, Stevie…?”** questioned the brunette, slurred speech no less concerned. He nuzzled the back of Steve’s head like an affectionate puppy, apparently apathetic to convention now that Steve had admitted he had feelings for him. He sure moved quick, didn’t he?

_No,_ Steve wanted to say. _Things are moving too fast. I can’t wrap my head around all this, and your hard-on is distracting the HELL outta me._

Then again, at least the much more powerful man wasn’t making any more moves on him past the snuggling, right? Maybe he’d just knock out soon, and sleep off the booze so they could soberly address this tomorrow.

**“Steve?”** pressed Bucky, when his sleeping buddy hadn’t answered him. Steve was just about to finally say something when he felt hot, moist lips brushing the shell of his ear, and a single shudder wracked his body. As if he were some wanton harlot, he rolled his spine and wiggled his backside back into the other man, grinding the semi-rigid shaft between the cleft above his ass.

_No, dammit! No no NO_ **_NO!_ ** _What am I_ **_doing_ ** _?_

It was too late; Bucky inhaled sharply, only to release the breath in a long, halting sigh as fingers splayed and pressed into Steve’s chest. He curled his body in order to rub himself into that inviting, supple rump. A moaning exhalation rushed from his lungs and feathered, humid and warm, over the blonde’s nape.

Since when did the Catholic Church’s teachings Steve had grown up on fly right out the window? Since when did he think the idea of having a **cock** up his ass was a _good_ one? He was definitely afraid, and definitely felt a whole lot of the requisite guilt, but the thought of Bucky _inside_ him… _part_ of him… It thrilled him to no end. But he’d… never had _anything_ go up there. Not _once._

And that _thing_ rubbing between his cheeks, grating the fabric of his drawers over his hole, definitely wasn’t going to fit.

**“You’re makin’ me crazy,”** Bucky complained, huffing as Steve reached behind himself to plunge his fingers into dark, tousled locks. **“I wanna fuck you so bad, buddy…”**

**“I know, I want it too,”** sighed Steve, despite the salty language spilling out of his friend’s mouth simultaneously driving a spike of terror into his lungs and a tug of tightness into his loins. **“But I’m not ready...** **_Ah-_ ** **and you’re not gonna** **_fit.”_ **

A plaintive groan rumbled deeply in Bucky’s chest, and his hand dipped further south to cup the burgeoning arousal already reappearing in Steve’s drawers. How the Hell was he already starting to get hard again? **“What’f… what if I make some room?”** the brunette suggested over the smaller man’s soft keen.

_Make some room?_ **“...H-how?”** Steve asked, finishing the question out loud.

In place of a verbal answer, Bucky took his hand off of Steve’s package and went to his waist to guide the latter onto his back while the former scooched back a few inches. Steve’s grip on Bucky’s hair slipped away and he shifted to comply with the gentle guidance, putting his complete trust in the man that he’d always loved in hopes that they could both be satisfied.

**“Just get comfy. Take off your underpants,”** urged the brunette in a firm, yet gentle tone. A weird little flutter in Steve’s stomach told him he sorta liked being ordered around, queer as that was. He did as he was told, carefully slipping his hand to press his erection down as he shoved the hem of the too-snug fabric over it.

**“Where’re you going?”** he asked, as Bucky had sat up and was climbing over him to get out of the bed. The larger man paused only to flash his teeth at his newfound lover.

**“We’re gonna need some oil,”** he said, standing up and swaying a bit before he caught himself on the bedpost. **“Whoop -- still a little whoozy, heh.”**

Steve’s eyes had immediately gone to look at the prominent bulge pressing eagerly against his friend’s drawers, until that last statement had them roving up and his brows furrowing fretfully. **“We shouldn’t do this,”** he stated firmly.

Bucky’s effervescent grin didn’t fade in the slightest. **“Do you still want to?”**

The blonde pursed his lips. His heart fluttered, but his resolve was unwavering. **“Of course I do, Buck, but you’re--”**

**“Then we’re doin’ it,”** chirped the clearly still besotted man, turning on his heel and once again utilizing any surface he could to make sure he didn’t fall. His voice grew louder the further out into the apartment he got to compensate for distance. _Over_ compensate, really. Steve would be surprised if he didn’t hear someone banging on the walls for them to shut their yaps. **“** **_I_ ** **want it,** **_you_ ** **want it -- I don’t hear any ‘no’s anywhere, or you know I’d quit while I’m ahead.”**

**“Yeah,”** sighed Steve, rolling his eyes. **“You’re a real** **_swell_ ** **guy that way.”**

Bucky reached the kitchen and rifled through the cabinets noisily. **“You say somethin’?”** he called. Steve checked his sass and answered over the din. **“Nope!”**

And thus, he lay there, bare-bottomed and staring up at the ceiling, still cupping his privates, and became utterly consumed by embarrassment and awkwardness. He was naked. In Bucky’s bed. With an erection, and dried cum on his thigh.

What in the ever-loving _HELL_ were they doing?

If anyone they knew caught wind of them being anymore than friends, they’d have to cut ties and move to a different part of the city, at the very least. Where did the homosexuals congregate? They had to have their own neighborhood, right? How else would they keep safe from the authorities and the church?

Wait… why did he _care_ what anyone else thought? So _what_ if he had to drop out of college and move? So _what_ if Bucky had to get a different job? As long as they were together, _anywhere_ was home.

Even if he had nothing, he still had Bucky. That’s what mattered.

In addition, he really, _really_ wanted this. The added reminder his own stiff dick in his hands was completely unnecessary. He didn’t even know the first thing on what to do with the damn thing anyway. What was he supposed to do, wiggle it around?

Thankfully, for now, that kind of thinking was derailed when Bucky returned once more, triumphant and brandishing a half-empty bottle of vegetable cooking oil. Steve raised one brow up at him as he lumbered back to the bed and scrambled clumsily into it, knocking his shin into Steve’s covered legs in the process.

Didn’t _hurt_ , but seeing Bucky so excited that he was practically falling over himself to get into bed with him bubbled a delirious, snorting snicker from him.

**“Shut up, ya ‘lil punk”** chuckled Bucky, keeping the oil aloft as he pulled the blankets aside and slid his legs beneath them. The chill on his skin from running nearly naked through the house didn’t really bother Steve, but his body shivered against his will when their thighs touched. Bucky muttered an apology, but fell silent as Steve gazed up at him, eyes soft with unhidden fondness.

For several seconds, they stared at one another, smiling like utter goofs, until Steve finally drew in a quick, chest-expanding breath, and cleared his throat. **“So uh… what next?”**

Such a simple, innocent question - like they were fixing a flat tire or something, and he was waiting for Bucky to hand him a wrench, and not to rub oil on his ass. That’s what was gonna happen, right?

**"I’m gonna get this on my fingers** **_an’ see how you like ‘em inside you_ ** **,”** Bucky supplied helpfully, voice lowering mid-way as his lips stretched wide.

**_Oh,_ ** thought Steve, swallowing past a bone dry throat. _That makes sense._

Didn’t make it any less scary, but it made sense; If he didn’t like fingers inside him, he sure as heck wouldn’t like a penis.

...Unless Bucky was just phrasing it like that to be sexy, and he meant that he was going to use those fingers to stretch him out, regardless of whether Steve liked it or not.

It was probably a bit of both.

He hadn’t realized he was still staring until Bucky tilted his head doggishly, and the motion reverted his attention from his inner monologue to the present. **“Uh-uhm… Okay. How do I…”** he stammered, trailing off to swallow again. **“How do you want me?”**

**“Just get comfy,”** repeated Bucky, the grin flashing back onto his lips. **“You’re fine on your back.”**

Steve nodded and tried to mentally prepare himself for the unknown. His friend raised the covers again and ducked under them as he flapped them over the smaller man’s head, so they were both beneath it, secluded in a bubble. Humid air and body heat quickly made Steve feel a little claustrophobic, but looking up at Bucky’s starry-eyed expression, and then down at his erection still trapped in woolen undergarments, it all sort of de-escalated triggering another panic attack.

The brunette met his hesitant gaze and his lids lowered to half mast once more. **“It’s gonna be okay, baby. I’ll treat you right. If you don’t like anythin’, we’ll stop, lickety-split, okay?”**

Steve took in a slow breath and let it out in an airy, monosyllable reply. **_“Yyyeah…”_ **


	4. Let Me Inside

**“Yeah,”** echoed Bucky, smoothing his free hand up Steve’s thigh and giving it an encouraging squeeze.

**“You trust me, right?”**

The blonde’s brows ticked higher, creasing his forehead. **“ ‘Course I do.”** Why would he even ask that?

Bucky nibbled his lip and lowered his eyes to where his friend was still hiding his privates. **“Then... lemme see it, Stevie. Please?”**

It was… insanely intoxicating. Bucky Barnes was asking him, _begging_ him to let him see his dick. His mind reeled again as several urges clashed all at once, making him hesitate outwardly. What if he saw it and was sickened, or afraid? What if it ground everything to a halt and all the dreams he thought were coming true suddenly shattered around him?

**“Please?”** Bucky repeated, sliding his fingers up to graze questioningly over the ones Steve had clenched over himself. Despite being gripped by trepidation, the proximity of those fingers to his manhood made it twitch, as if it, too was asking to be freed.

Slowly, haltingly, Steve forced his own hands down an inch, to reveal the swollen base of his shaft nestled in a patch of pale curls. He flicked his eyes up from his crotch to watch the brunette’s reaction, see if he was going to recoil in horror or something… But Bucky was biting so hard on his lip that a bead of blood had welled up, and his eyes had completely glazed over as they stared, enraptured by the torturous strip-tease.

_He wants more. I can do this..._

Steve sucked in a small breath and lifted his hands completely away, allowing the full length of him to bob freely up into the subtle arch he’d always had. He hated how his prick curved upward like that when he was hard. Hated that it looked nothing like the memory he had of Bucky’s, way back when they still showered together. Bucky’s had been straight as an arrow and… just _perfect._

His friend’s eyes widened and an oppressive wave of self-consciousness crushed him as he moved to cover himself back up, but Bucky stopped him, catching his wrist and gently pushing it aside. **“No, don’t,”** he whispered.

**“It’s weird,”** Steve protested, jerking his head to the side. He didn’t try to conceal himself again, however, limply pulling his arm free of Bucky’s grip to clench his fist at his side. Maybe some sick part of him wanted to just give in and let Bucky stare at his shame… Or maybe he just… didn’t want to fight anymore.

**“No, babydoll,”** cooed Bucky, carefully slipping his fingers around the shaft, drawing a bitten-back gasp from the smaller man. The rough pads of his fingers grazed tantalizingly over Steve’s smooth, sensitive flesh, eliciting a bit of a shiver to rise up his spine and into his skull, culminating in a shake of the head, as if he was still arguing wordlessly.  

Bucky, however, spoke in hushed tones of near-reverence. **“I love it... It’s the prettiest cock I ever saw…”**

In spite of himself, Steve’s lips tilted up one one side, and he glanced back through the periphery of his vision, though he still refused to move his neck. **“You seen a lotta them, buddy?”**

Well, they both had, just not anytime recently... that he was aware of.

_Wait…_ had Bucky been with other men before? He sure did seem to know what he was doing, but that might have been a product of his natural confidence, and the dose of liquid courage. Hopefully. Jesus, please let that be the case.

**_“Heh,”_ ** chuckled Bucky, dabbing the pin-prick of blood from his lip with a swipe of his tongue. Watching him do that made the ball of fire in Steve’s chest expand. Lord, he wanted those lips so bad… Kissing him, sucking him… What did it feel like going _inside_ ‘em? He bet it was soft, and warm…

**“I only catch a few peeks when other guys line up to piss next to me. Nothin’s ever caught my eye, though. Not like yours.”**

At this, Steve finally faced his friend, but the brunette had averted his eyes to the side. The almost… forlorn distance in his voice had caught his attention and worried him. What he saw in his friend’s expression alarmed him, to some degree: he saw shame, and sadness. Bucky had been loathing himself for liking men just as much as Steve had, hadn’t he? Maybe more.

Is that why he’d turned to the drink? To drown out the queer thoughts, to help him forget how he really felt about his best buddy? Well, now Steve felt _guilty_. They’d both been suffering; he’d just been too wrapped up in his own problems to see it.

He wanted to say something witty about ‘kissing his ass to get into his pants’ to lighten the mood but… that was precisely when Bucky glanced up and chose to tighten his grip about his member and tug lightly.

**_“Ah, ff-!?”_ ** blurted Steve, chewing on his lip to stop from hollaring. The fists at his sides opened, only to instantly clutch at the sheets. He was so damned sensitive - was it supposed to hurt a little?

Bucky retracted his hand as if he’d been bitten and blinked, obviously surprised by the powerful reaction. **“Did I hurt you? What happened?”** he asked, near frantic with concern.

Steve cracked one eye open a bit and forced an uncertain chortle out, nose wrinkling. **“I-I don’t know… It’s… I’m really um… s-sensitive…”**

Bucky visibly relaxed, dropping the shoulders that had tensed up. He tentatively stroked the ridge of the smaller man’s waist, avoiding the member that had brought so much unexpected discomfort by a mere inch. It was clear he wanted to continue, wanted to keep touching Steve’s dick, but he also seemed… wary. Almost as if he was worried he was going to scare the blonde off by going straight for the kill.

**“Oh,”** he breathed, understanding. One brow quirked higher on his forehead as he tucked his chin to his chest. **“Do… Have you not serviced yourself in a while, or…?”**

Steve winced at the phrasing, along with the topic in general, but the pleasant way Bucky’s touch made his skin tingle helped him offer his quiet admission with as little of a stutter as possible. **“I don’t… do that. Ever.”**

After an _extremely_ awkward pause in which Steve wanted to pull a pillow over his own face and vanish into the bedding, Bucky blinked several times and shook his head. **“...What?”**

The more experienced of the pair was, to put it lightly, floored, and it was evident in his windblown, wide-eyed expression. Not only was the guy a virgin, but he doesn’t give himself a tug now and then? How had he not gone completely insane? **“Mind if I ask… why?”**

**“N-not… not right now. I don’t wanna spoil the mood.”** muttered Steve, knitting his brow and staring down at himself. Anything to keep him from meeting Bucky’s questioning gaze.

Even saying that much concerned his friend, however, evident by the way he’d completely dropped his hand away from Steve’s prominent hard-on and laid it gently on the thigh stained by his earlier ‘emission.’

**“Oh...kay,”** said Bucky softly, hesitating. It sounded like he wanted to know more, but didn’t want to upset Steve in probing for it. It was… just one of the very few things Steve never spoke to his friend about. And now, when they were so close to really making a dent in his virginity, he **_definitely_ ** didn’t want to talk about it. Those memories needed to stay well and truly buried for now.

**“So you wanna keep goin’? It’s okay, if you’re…”** Bucky trailed off, ducking his head to try to meet his friend’s eyes, futile as it was.

Steve nodded sharply once, determination filling him as he forced his lids open just enough to look Bucky square in the eye. **“I wanna keep going.”**

The larger man offered a soft smile, and lowered his voice again, back into that deep purr that livened something unplacable within Steve. **“Then I’ll just use some oil... and take it** **_niiice_ ** **n’ easy.** ”

Bucky shifted and reached for the bottle he’d stashed between the mattress and the wall. He unscrewed the cap and poured a small dollop into his cupped palm before stuffing it back into it’s hidey hole and closing it up. Watching him do this, waiting for him to prepare, filled Steve with a new wave of apprehension, but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t want this to stop again, after all.

At length, the larger man smeared the lubricant between his hands, making sure to individually coat his fingers, before he reverted his attention back to Steve’s manhood. The blonde tried not to tense up too much as, once more, rough fingers slipped about his girth.

This time, however, the novel, smooth feeling of the oil and the strange way it almost made Bucky’s hand feel _warmer_ had Steve’s brows lifting together and lips parting with a quiet gasp.

It was… _wonderful_ . Slick and dexterous, Bucky’s fingers encircled him and stroked up, and down, leaving his own skin oiled up. He heard himself sigh Bucky’s name softly, and the brunette looked up at his expression and flashed an almost wicked grin. He pulled his hand away, but before Steve could ask what had happened, the brunette formed a fist and hovered it over the dusky head of his member… before slowly, gently _pressing_ his cockhead through it.

The blonde groaned restlessly, arching his spine backward and slowly thrusting up into the snug, temporary cavern.

_Warm… so warm… And wet, and_ **_tight_** _!_

Is this what it felt like, fucking a tight little hole? Is this what it’d be like to be in Bucky’s mouth, or his…

**_“Oh, God, Buck,”_ ** he sighed suddenly, unclenching his fist and stretching his arm out to touch his friend’s temple. His fingers were trembling subtly, but he tried to ignore that fact. **“I don’t wanna go again just yet… you’re gonna… You’re gonna make me…”**

Bucky lifted his eyes away from his new toy and Steve was momentarily taken aback by the haze of hunger that had _consumed_ them. The way the larger man’s mouth hung open just a hair, the way his pupils had dilated and gone completely unfocused… How was Steve so aroused by just that look on Bucky’s face _alone_?

**“Mmmh,”** hummed the brunette, leaning into the touch like an affectionate cat. He pressed a smile of utter contentment onto his lips and Steve’s heart fluttered. **“Okay, buddy. I just wanted to get you relaxed.”**

Relaxed? For… **_Oh_ ** . Oh, right. For getting _fingers_ in his _asshole._ He’d somehow already forgotten that was the whole point of the oil. **“I’m ready,”** he insisted softly, trying not to feel like a common harlot as he spread his thighs and let his hand drop from his friend’s face.

Bucky nodded, the smile falling as he refocused his attention back on Steve’s nether region and braced his unoiled hand on the blonde’s knee. While the smaller man watched, Bucky’s forehead creased with concentration as he released his member and slid his first two fingers down. Over the tightened sack that twitched on contact, down the strip of skin between it and his hole, until finally, Steve felt him swirl the pads over the puckered opening...

He clenched up _immediately_ at the completely alien sensation, sucking in a sharp gasp.

Bucky glanced up from beneath his brows and flashed a half-amused, half-sheepish grin. **“You’re lockin’ up tighter than Fort Knox down here, pal. S’gonna be real uncomfortable if you keep that up.”**

Steve tried to force his muscles to obey him, actively focusing on each one in turn to release the tension. **_“S-sss-horry…”_ ** he hissed. But no matter how much he told his ass to unclench, it wasn’t listening. It was as if it had a mind of its own and resented the thought of being intruded upon.

Chuckling softly, Bucky let go of Steve’s knee and looped his fingers about the lubed-up stiffy that had gone a bit soft with fright, even as he kept swirling those of his other hand tauntingly around Steve’s entrance. **“Relaaaax,”** he cooed.

Instead of replying with a stubborn ‘I’m trying’ as he’d meant to, Steve’s brain and lips lost connection, and what came out instead was a stuttered grunt. **“A-ah--!”**

But... the aid of having his dick stroked served as the perfect distraction. He felt his body practically melting into the mattress, and his hole finally relaxed, opening up enough for Bucky to gently press the pad into him. **“That’s it, baby,”** murmured Bucky. **“Ya gotta let me inside…”**


	5. I'm Good Enough

This was strange. This was so very, very strange. Steve was watching his best buddy jerk him off while pressing his _finger_ against his _ass._ Never in a million years could he have imagined this scenario, and yet… there it was. He had no words, only able to silently look on and grip the sheets loosely as if they’d prevent him from falling out of this impossible dream.

Time had seemed to turn to molasses and slow around them as Bucky met his gaze again. The bare, raw nakedness of what they were doing should have made Steve furtively glance away, but he felt trapped. Ensorceled. Their eyes were locked together unblinkingly.

...Right up until Bucky chose that precious moment to push again, prodding his finger past the muscular breech. A strangled yelp forced itself out of Steve and he clapped his hand over his own mouth to keep from screaming further. It didn’t _hurt_. It was just… really strange.

_What the_ **_Hell_ ** _is this feeling? I feel like I’ve gotta…_

**_“Bmky,_ ** ” he said, voice muffled behind his own fingers until he lifted them away with a gulp of air. **“I-I think I gotta go--”**

**“--Take a shit?”** grinned Bucky, mercilessly wiggling the digit in up to the first joint. Steve wanted to grimace with distaste at his language, but the feeling of having something moving around _in his_ **_ass_ ** was sort of robbing him of the ability to control his face or formulate any further responses. His breath left him as quickly as a sat-upon balloon.

Bucky squeezed Steve’s shaft and pumped him fluidly a few more times as he spoke, trying to distract the smaller man from his discomfort with a wave of pleasure.   **“You don’t - that’s just how it feels it first. It gets better.”**

So nonchalant, Steve could almost _hear_ a shrug in the words. Had he had something up his…? But he implied he _hadn’t_ been with another man. So that meant he… Did this to himself? The blonde gulped in some more air and tried to voice his question aloud.

**“S-so you uh… d-do this to yourself?”** he asked, releasing the rest of the breath in a huff as a tingling feeling sung in his every nerve. Was it strange, having a conversation while his best friend fingered his asshole? Probably, but they had never been the picture of normalcy. Regardless, his face was awash with heat _…_ it felt like, as soon as Bucky had penetrated him, that someone had tossed gasoline on his cheeks and lit a _bonfire_ on them… He felt his lids grow heavy and lower half-way as his vision grew hazier.

_He was right, it’s starting to feel_ **_good_ ** _..._

Once again, Steve was struck by the way Bucky looked at him: questioning, hesitant. As if he were afraid of judgement. Since when did Bucky Barnes ever care so much about what Steve Rogers thought about him? ...Had he always been like this, and just hid it well?

**“Sometimes,”** muttered Bucky quietly, at length. His dark lashes brushed his cheeks as he glanced down at what he was doing with his hands. **“I like pretendin’ it’s you, though.”**

He… pretends Steve’s fingering his ass when he masturbates? _Holy moly, Buck._ This man got gayer and gayer the more he learned about him… and Steve loved it. Part of him wished he could have caught him in the act, just to see him fucking himself on his own hand, maybe moaning Steve’s name...

**“I-I’ll… do it for ya too, if you wanna…”** suggested Steve, furrowing his brows intently. **“Once I learn how it’s do-** ** _hone…!”_ **

Right when he’d somehow found the balls to ask if Bucky wanted his fantasies to come true, Bucky’s eyes flashed back up to him and a wild, breezy smile spread across his lips. In the middle of the last word, he gently, slowly, thrust his finger up into his friend up to the second joint… though he (mercifully) stopped there as Steve arched his back and let out all the air in his lungs in one big **“** **_Haaah...!_ ** **”**

**“Sounds good, Stevie… but first, I wanna make you** **_cum_ ** **again.”**

Steve was frozen, helpless, as his body locked in place in that bowed position. He had popped his mouth open and was blinking desperately at the ceiling, trying to clear the brilliant dots of color from his vision even as the sensation of _fullness_ made him feel like there was no room for him to inhale.

The violence of the reaction had stilled Bucky’s hands, as he was likely trying to figure out whether this was a _good_ thing, or a _bad_ thing, but… As Steve finally dragged in a slow, ragged breath and lowered his spine back into the mattress, the brunette gave him another testing tug on his cock. Almost as if his body was trying to speak for him, reward Bucky in place of reassuring words, his shaft _pulsed,_ and clear, syrupy fluid oozed from him, forming a viscous pearl of pure desire at his very tip.

Steve heard his friend curse softly, but the sound was… far away, and strangely muffled, as if they were separated by a wind-filled tunnel. The sounds of his own heart thudding in his ears and the shallow panting dragging between his lips were _far_ louder.

**“Fuck, Steve, you’re gorgeous…”** sighed Bucky, seemingly awestruck. He continued pumping, gripping a little harder on the upstroke to _squeeze_ more preseed from the other man, until it spilled over and dribbled down in a gleaming string. Steve felt the fluid drip onto his stomach, but was far too turned on to feel awkward for it.

**“I bet you taste so good, too…”** rumbled Bucky. He wet his lips with a swipe of his tongue and leaned forward, the motion pushing the final inch of his finger all the way up inside Steve until the blonde felt his friend’s knuckles brush against his bare bottom and stretched crack. Bucky’s lips parted and he inhaled in preparation, but Steve groaned softly and lashed a hand up to Bucky’s face, stopping the other man short and making him glance up in askance. **“I wanna -** **_hah… ah_ ** **… I wanna touch you,”** he panted.

Bucky’s mouth quirked up on one side. **“You are, baby~”** he teased. He knew what Steve meant, but it appeared he wanted him to say it in no uncertain words.

_Fine, Barnes. You want dirty talk? I got your dirty talk right here._

**“N-no,”** the smaller man growled, swallowing past his parched throat, before he clarified. **“I wanna t-touch your… c-cock…”**

The roguish smirk on Bucky’s face spread into a felinesque smile. He leaned away and scooted slightly further up on the bed, angling his lower half towards Steve’s head while his upper half remained twisted about to keep working the blonde’s shaft. The body reconfiguration, while doing wonders to flex Bucky’s abdominal slate appetizingly,  looked uncomfortable to Steve, so he batted Bucky’s hand away from his own prick.

**“It’s okay,”** he muttered. Bucky nodded and flashed his teeth quickly, letting go of his friend’s member so he could better brace himself up on the mattress. He still kept his finger inside, regardless - leaving Steve’s cock barren was a small price to pay, in the smaller man’s point of view, to be able to finally feel up Bucky Barnes.

**“Don’t laugh, it’s not as nice as yours,”** chuckled Bucky. Steve couldn’t help but grin, despite having his best buddy knuckle-deep inside him and an erection presented to him packaged nicely in woolen drawers. The sight of the meaty outline of it strained against the fabric made Steve throb again.

_I sincerely doubt that, Barnes,_ he thought, but kept the comment to himself. He knew pity parties about his terrible self-image weren’t likely to spark any embers here. Instead, as Bucky watched him and slowly pulled his finger out a little, eliciting a breathless grunt from Steve, the blonde raised his hand to tug at the hem of the underwear… But, annoyingly, his fingers started shaking.

Frustrated but no less determined, Steve wiggled his hips a little to distract himself from his nerves by reminding his body it was being pleasured, not under attack. The movement, small as it was, sent a rush of tingling heat through him and his dick bobbed with yet another pulse.

_Yeah, fuck me with your fingers, Bucky_ , thought Steve, nibbling his lip. Bucky keened low and he slowly thrust his probing digit back inside, to Steve’s shuddering delight.

Had… had Steve said that **_out loud_ ** ? Oh, Jesus… A hot wash of humiliation superseded the heady lust for a moment, but since Bucky seemed to _like_ whatever had come out of him, he forced his way through it and formed his palm about the bulging fabric.

_Oh, God. I’m touching it. I’m touching his cock. I’m touching_ **_Bucky’s_ ** _cock. And it’s… it’s…_

_Really,_ **_really_ ** _thick._

**“Mmph, baby, you’ve got me hard as a rock,”** huffed Bucky. He shifted his weight to one side and lifted his free hand to push the hem of his drawers down. Steve took the cue and slipped his fingers up to wrap around the base of the daunting member to pull it free.

**“Ch-Christ…!”** he heard himself sputter. The skin was darker than his sickly pallor, and flushed with blood as it was, the bulbous head and the few prominent veins sticking up were even duskier. He, too, was leaking quite a bit of moisture from the slit at the tip. It… didn’t have the same curve Steve’s did, but it was the same length and definitely _far_ girthier.

_Jesus Christ, Bucky, you’ve been hiding a missile in your trousers all this time? And you wanted to get_ **_that_ ** _in my_ **_ass_ ** _?_

Steve looked up at Bucky’s face, which appeared suddenly… bashful, as strange as that was. He was looking aside and biting his lip with the crooked canine again, and the way his tousled, disheveled bangs hung over his eyes… Lord. It made Steve want to grab him and kiss his mug so badly.

**“That bad, huh?”** chuffed the other man sheepishly. Embarrassed as he seemed, he didn’t stop languidly thrusting his finger in and out of Steve’s hole. Each drag over the joints made it harder and harder for the blonde to think, but he needed to say _something._

**“No, Buck,”** murmured Steve, trying to mirror what Bucky had done with him and forming a circle with his fingers. **“S’better than I ah… imagin-** **_nnh...nnn..._ ** **”**

He couldn’t finish the sentence, because the spring from before had started to coil tightly again, and the world was falling away from him… Unthinking, his body acted on instinct and his hand started rubbing his hand up and down Bucky’s prick of its own accord. He was moaning softly, panting, tauntingly close… When suddenly, the finger inside him was popped out and he heard Bucky hiss in a sharp breath.

**“Ow-ow-ow - Easy there, buddy,”** Bucky said, wincing, as one hand grabbed Steve’s wrist while the other, one finger oily and warm from Steve’s internal temperature, lay over the smaller man’s overzealous grip.

Simultaneously overwhelmed with physical disappointment and _emptiness_ coupled with alarm, Steve’s widened blues sought Bucky’s and struggled to catch his breath. His heart, louder than ever, hammered in his chest as if it wanted to be free from its prison.

**“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Oh jeez, I’m--”** he stammered, opening his vice-like grip on his poor friend’s dick. He had gotten too excited, handled things too roughly… Compared to Bucky, his actions were stiff, and awkward, and _terrible_.

**_“Hooo…_ ** **s’okay,”** exhaled Bucky, lowering the shoulders that had hunched in clear discomfort. He flicked a quick smile onto his features, trying to reassure the other. **“I’m okay, Steve. You’re doin’ fine. Here... Loosen up a little and don’t pull so hard. Like this--”**

Letting go of Steve’s wrist and propping himself up again, he guided his friend’s fingers back around the length and moved them down, then back up, slowly. Taking time to memorize exactly how much pressure his best guy liked, Steve carefully repeated the action, and Bucky sighed again as he let go of  the other’s fingers so he could move his own hand back to slid down under Steve’s balls.

**“** **_Yeaaah-uh_ ** **… l-like that,”** encouraged Bucky, angling his head back.. Steve focused on how warm and stiff the fleshy girth in his palm felt, and the way Bucky’s jaw was starting to draw agape. A breathless keen bubbled free from Bucky’s lips, the name of the man he’d wanted for so long rolling off his tongue in an amorous sigh. **_“Ohh, Steve…”_ **

_I can make him feel good,_ marveled Steve. Him, the inexperienced little virgin, making Bucky moan his name _._

_I can do this… I’m_ _good enough_ _. For him... For Bucky..._


	6. Stop Being So Chivalrous

Bucky gently inserted his middle finger back into his friend, making Steve gulp in a bit of air and hold it. The brunette lifted his hips and thrust himself slowly into the other man's hand, enjoying every precious second of this learning experience.

However, following a few more teasing strokes, Bucky’s breaths began to quicken and shallow out, and the digit plumbing Steve became more insistent, until he was all but grinding his fist up into the smaller man’s hole. His chest heaved, and beads of collected sweat trickled down the tensed hills and valleys of his stomach. The fluid that had been leaking from his tip now slicked the length, lubing up Steve’s palm, so the blonde quickened his pace, hoping he was reading these body cues right and that he was going to make Bucky climax.

**“Fuck, Steve!”** groaned Bucky, suddenly snapping his head back to it’s usual angle and fixing the blonde with a ravenous spark in his eyes. **“I -** **_huff_ ** **\- gotta cum, I can’t** **_take_ ** **this!”**

From the fierce, frustrated sound of his growling voice, Steve could tell he’d at least read the signs right, but apparently whatever he was doing might not enough for Bucky at this point in time. The larger man pulled his finger free and left Steve feeling utterly empty, once again, as a shudder rolled down his spine.

Taken aback, but wanting nothing more than to please the man, Steve tried to keep stroking him, but Bucky bowed his back and pushed his arm away. **“Please, I’m sorry, I gotta do this,”** he explained, wrapping his own fingers about his shaft snugly.

_Oh_ . So Steve **_wasn’t_ ** enough for him. Not to _finish_ at least. That stung a quite a bit.

As if he’d spotted how crestfallen his actions had made the other, Bucky reached up to thumb his cheek fondly. **“I’m sorry, it felt really good, baby. I just need to finish it.”**

Steve furrowed his brow and slid his suddenly free hand up the other’s straining thigh. **“But I wanna make you _go_ ,”** he protested weakly. It wasn’t fair to ask that, maybe, with his lack of experience in bringing anyone to orgasm, but it’s what he wanted, all the same

Bucky hesitated, worrying at his lip a moment, before he made some sort of decision and lifted himself up onto his knees. He swung one leg over Steve and straddled his chest, allowing the quilt that had been covering them, keeping them both in a warm, humid bubble, to flutter off of his shoulders and drape across Steve’s stomach.

Between Bucky’s legs, the blonde briefly caught a glimpse of the heavily tented wool before he glanced up, brows knitted with mild confusion.

**“Okay,”** Bucky said, gazing down from beneath the shadow of his bangs, past the obstruction of his fist around his precum-glazed cock. **“You wanna lick me while I jerk it?”**

**_...Wow_ ** _. Okay, then. For a man struggling with homosexuality, you sure do have a whole lot of funny ideas, Buck._

But hey, that's what fantasy was for, for normal guys, was it not?  _Steve_ was the weird one here, stifling all his sexual thoughts for his entire damn life. Obviously.

**“Y-yeah,”** managed Steve, raising his head off the pillow and sitting up as far as he could. He gave his friend’s dripping member an appraising glance, pushing down the apprehension and strange feeling of staring down the barrel of a gun, and resolved to focus. Okay, so now all Steve had to do was… Stick his tongue out and… Lick it?

Steve drew in a quick breath and slipped his tongue tentatively from between his lips, but as soon as his tastebuds made contact with the slick crown and he experienced, for the first time, what another man’s dick tasted like, he had to fight the urge to grimace. It wasn’t all that _bad_ to be honest, but it sure as heck was salty… and a little musky. Even that small lick was enough to evoke a shudder from Bucky, however, so he was more than ready to conquer the foreignness of it to make the moment sexier.

_Just go on and do it. Be a man and **suck that dick** , Rogers. _

He lifted wide, questioning stormy hues up to watch Bucky’s expression as he formed his lips into a tight purse and _kissed_ the tip. The brunette stared down at him through heavy-lidded eyes and panted, open-mouthed, as he jutted his jaw forward. **“** **_Unhh…_ ** **Yeah, S-Stevie, just like tha--** ** _AH_** **\--** ** _ohh~!_ ** **”**

Once he’d gotten some modicum of approval from the other, Steve took the initiative to brazenly pop Bucky’s crown past his lips and suck testingly - like this was a hot summer day, and Bucky’s cock was the most delicious-looking popsicle he’d ever laid eyes on. Mid-sentence or no, Bucky was getting blown, _gosh darnit_.

**“O-oh my God, Steve, you’re--!”** Bucky gasped. His hand started working his shaft, and Steve dutifully continued suckling, staring up at him. This was good, right? He was doing alright? **“Ahh, your l-lips are so soft, baby. Yeah, k-keep doin’ that…** **_God_** **, you’re eyes are so...”**

Okay, he was doing alright. If his mouth weren’t busy, Steve would have the widest, goofiest grin on them. Bucky let out a stuttering moan and craned his head back, exposing his throat in a beautiful, sinewy arch as his hand sped up. His thighs tensed under Steve’s grasp, trembling slightly with the withheld urge to thrust.

_He wants me… he wants me so bad… Oh, Bucky, I wanna make you feel_ **_good_** _._

Feeling brave while riding high on this wave of frenzied lust, the smaller man reached around and **_grabbed_** a handful of his ass cheek. Simultaneously, he flattened his tongue along the underside of Bucky’s tip and wiggled it around, feeling the cleft leading down from his urethra and the subtle ridge of his circumcision scar. He wanted to commit every _dip_ and _vein_ and **_throb_** to memory, just in case he ever _did_ decide to take up masturbating. Those wet dreams of his would be a **_Hell_** of a lot more detailed and vivid now, at the very least.

**“Oh,** **_fuck_ ** **, Steve, stop,** **_STOP!_ ** **I’m close! L-lemme go on the sheet!”** Bucky suddenly arched his spine away from Steve, trying to pull himself out of his mouth.

_Heck, **no** , _ thought Steve, digging his nails into his friend’s rump. He backed his head up a half-inch and let Bucky’s dick pop from his lips, but only long enough for him to huskily voice his demands.

**_“I wanna taste your cum,”_ ** he growled hoarsely, before promptly darting his head forward and wrapping his mouth back around the other like a greedy whore. He reformed the vacuum and sucked as hard as he could. The sounds he made -- those loud, wet slurps -- made his own forgotten member twitch with _want_.

**“FUCK!”** shouted Bucky. He threw his head back and a moan grated from his throat, bobbing the knot in it once, as both his friend, and his body disobeyed him. He wanted to pull away, but instead, his hips jerked forward as he was driven to his peak. The first powerful wave engulfed him in unadulterated bliss, seizing his entire frame and holding it captive just as Steve opened his mouth to drag in a quick gasp of air.

A warm stream of seed spurted from Bucky’s crown as his entire length flexed, lancing across Steve’s flushed, fluid-smeared lips and onto his tongue. Bucky cursed again, but couldn’t stop himself from slowly fucking the air just as Steve returned his mouth about him, swallowing quickly on instinct.

The blonde’s stomach convulsed at the strange feeling of cum hitting the back of his throat before sliding down, but still, he gulped and slurped, fighting his gag reflex the entire time. He could **_do_ ** this. For _Bucky_.

And… if he were being honest with himself, not only was he starting to enjoy the _taste_ , but the sensation of having his friend’s cock spasming on his tongue was something he suspected he’d never tire of.

**“** **_Ahh… Stevie~!_ ** **”** crooned Bucky, lowering his chin to his chest and gazing down at the other as he braced his free hand on the wall behind the headboard. He stopped thrusting his hips and let the successive throbs of his orgasm proceed without fighting it further. Again and again, his cock tensed, pulsing more molten fluid past the lips he’d often thought about doing just this to.

It was even better than he could _ever_ have fantasized - better than any dame that had done this for him, despite one of them having far more experience than his little _punk_ . It wasn’t the skill or expertise; it was how much Steve _wanted_ it. Wanted _him._ Bucky was _his._

And now that he’d gotten rid of his sexual frustration, Bucky could focus on making Steve _his._ With a final, shuddering grunt, he angled his hips back, and Steve allowed his spent member to slip from between his lips before he swiftly licked them clean. **“Was that okay, Buck?”** he asked, perhaps seeking redundant praise despite having received it in the form of a belly and faceful of cum.

**“Heh, yeah,”** chuckled Bucky, squeezing himself one more time to push the last drops out into his own fist. He reached for the blanket and pulled it back over them both, immediately dropping Steve back into the cloying heat and working the chill from his goose-bump-ridden flesh. **“Best blowjob ever, buddy.”**

Steve’s brow relaxed, flattening out, as he flashed an exuberant grin. **“You’re just sayin’ that,”** he said, as the other dismounted him and sat back down beside him with a fulfilled sigh.

**“I mean it,”** Bucky smoothed with a dreamy smile, reaching up to cup Steve’s cheek tenderly even as the blonde wiped away an errant splatter on his chin. Whoops - that had been a lot messier than he was expecting. But there was little time to think about cleaning up when he was still incredibly horny and Bucky was still speaking to him, explaining himself. **“I’ve been dreamin’ of puttin’ my cock in your mouth since we were teenagers, Steve, but it was even nicer than I thought it’d be. You’re really quick on the uptake, pal.”**

**“Uh-huh,”** nodded Steve, still unconvinced. He was also unable to get the thought of someone else sucking on that dick other than him off his mind. It just stuck with him, uncomfortably. Made him feel weirdly… defensive, on top of inadequate. How many girls had done that for him - had seen the way he tucked his chin down the moment he climaxed? How could Steve ever compete with that?

Then again, imagining Bucky fantasizing about his mouth for such a long time sort of helped. Maybe all the times he did that with girls, he was thinking of _Steve._ He could try to make himself believe that. It was a nice thought.

He realized he had swallowed several times to try to dislodge some of the cum from his throat (where was a glass of water when he needed it?!) when Bucky suddenly draped his arm about his shoulders and leaned into him to go in for a kiss.

**“Ew, man,”** laughed Steve, angling his face away and scrunching up his nose so the kiss landed on his temple instead. **“You’re gonna taste yourself.”**

**“I don’t mind the taste,”** chuckled Bucky, nuzzling his cheekbone. **“You sure as Hell don’t seem to, so why would I?”**

He had a point, Steve guessed. A weird one, but still a point. **“F-fair enough,”** relented the blonde, tucking his chin to his chest and smiling softly. Beside him, Bucky all but hummed contentedly, like a great jungle cat pleased with a feast it had caught, as he slipped his now-sticky fingers about Steve’s erection.

**“Speakin’ of which…”** trailed off Bucky as Steve grunted and closed his eyes. **“Maybe I should give it a try, now. Didn’t expect** **_you_ ** **were gonna be the first one to do somethin’ like that, but you’re always full of fun surprises, aren’tchya?”**

**“Y-you don’t gotta do that, Buck. You’re probably tired…”**

Despite him trying to be a good guy and letting Bucky get some rest, his body rebelled once more and he subtly bucked his hips up into the touch. **“Mmf,”** he huffed, frustrated, as his fingers tangled in the sheets all over again.

Part of him wanted to get blown more than anything, part of him was denying himself for his friend’s benefit, while the rest of him was terrified of the possibility that something would go wrong downstairs again. What if he poked Bucky in the eye? What if he _came_ in his eye? What if… Bucky didn’t like the taste after all? Were these logical fears or just products of his anxiety?

Again, the larger man tittered softly, before sliding his hand down to gently cup Steve’s family jewels and give them a soft tug. He spoke over Steve’s subsequent gasp as energy zinged up his spine. That felt good too!? A guy’s private parts were a veritable treasure trove of pleasure waiting for him to explore, to _plunder_.

**“Stop bein’ so chivalrous for once in your life, babydoll - I know you want it. Or do you want me to** **_fingerfuck_ ** **ya until you cum, instead?”**

Presented with those options, Steve was unable to reply, and instead turned his head to nestle his face into Bucky’s neck as embarrassment consumed him. _Christ, Barnes… You’re killin’ me, here._

**“Mmmh,”** thrummed the brunette, clutching Steve’s upper arm to tug him closer. Those wandering digits trailed yet further south and the middle was testingly grazed against Steve’s entrance. **“Maybe… both?”**

Getting fingered while having his cock sucked? By **_Bucky_ ** ? If he wasn’t going to Hell for doing all this, he definitely was for wanting all that _so damn badly._

Steve raised his hips a smidge to try to press the finger inside him, making his hard-on bob subtly. More preseed leaked out of him and he felt it drip down onto his abdomen in a thin, syrupy strand. He couldn’t help the desperate whine that trickled from his flared nostrils, but tried to muffle the sound by pressing his lips to Bucky’s throat.

_Please. Oh, God, please. Give it to me..._


	7. Don't Stop

Bucky chuffed and gave Steve’s shoulder a final squeeze before sitting up. The smaller of the pair planted a quick, shy kiss on his cheek in passing, but otherwise let the man do his thing, draping his own arm over his chest.

**“I got you, buddy. Let ol’ Bucky Boy take care of it,”** proclaimed Bucky. He removed his hand from Steve’s nether region to shift the blanket over his head and positioned himself between his friend’s thighs. Steve lifted his knees a little to allow Bucky to tuck his own thighs beneath them.

**“This is gonna be my first time sucking dick, though, so gimme a little uh… warning. Heh.”**

The previously much more experienced of the pair looked up at Steve and raked his fingers through his bangs to shove them out of his eyes as a bashful grin plastered on his lips. The expression was infectious, drawing out a mirrored smile on the blonde’s face.

**“Course, Buck. It… might not be that long,”** he murmured. He’d cum in his pants just from getting a few rubs and hearing dirty talk, after all. This much stimulation would undoubtedly have a similarly explosive result.

Bucky’s grin closed into a tight-lipped smirk - the kind he wore when he had a comeback he was especially proud of. **“Says the guy with the** **_horse cock_ ** **.”**

Steve bit back a nervous laugh, forcing it out as a derisive snort instead, as his lashes dipped low. **“Yours is the same length, you jerk...”**

The other man raised both brows in tandem and slid his palms from Steve’s knees down the length of his inner thighs, slowly urging them apart further. His face took on an air of nonchalance, mouth ticking down at the edges. **“Maybe, but you’re half my size, pal. Proportionally, you’re hung like a stallion.”**

_Yikes._ The blonde’s lips tightened into a small purse. **“O-oh,”** was all he could offer in the way of reply. He’d never thought of it like that, somehow. Then again, what did proportions matter when in relation to how much he could please someone else?

_Wait, why were we even having this conversation? He’s about to…_

**“Yup,”** Bucky said, in the single word conveying a verbal shrug. He bowed his back and continued sliding one hand down until it reached Steve’s sack, twisting his palm up to face the ceiling. Apparently side-tracked from the conversation the moment his middle finger brushed back up against the lubricated hole, his eyes flashed down to his friend’s member and he moistened his lips in preparation.

_Oh,_ **_Lord_ ** _._ Bucky would never be able to lick his lips again without Steve automatically remembering the singular moment before he was about to put his dick between ‘em for the first time. But, as much as he wanted to keep watching, as soon as Bucky’s finger breached his entrance and sent a wave of renewed lust rolling through him, his lids fluttered as his vision flickered in and out. A groan filtered from his mouth, nearly drowning out the soft encouragements Bucky gave.

_**“Y**_ ** _eeeah_ ** **, Stevie, that’s it. I’m gonna make you feel so** **_good_ ** **,”** he whispered, his breath fanning about Steve’s moistened glans teasingly. Without much further ado, Bucky gripped him firmly at his base to steady him and lowered his head, pressing his puckered lips to the other’s crown. That first contact was indescribable for Steve. It was such a mish-mash of sensations - some uncomfortable, some pleasant, but all of them too intense to process.

Bucky’d started to go further with it when Steve’s spine undulated against his will, unceremoniously shoving far more of his shaft then Bucky had intended into his mouth. This elicited a muffled shout from the brunette before he gagged violently around Steve’s cock.

**“Hu-ACK-kk…!”** came the wordless sound of the poor guy’s throat revolting against him. A small deluge of saliva trickled from his lips, but he hastily swiped his chin clear with his forearm.

**“D-dammit, -** **_hah_ ** **\- I’m sorry,”** breathed Steve, straightening his back and lowering his hips. He reached down and touched Bucky’s cheek, trying desperately to tread water in a roiling sea of desire and guilt. Bucky, on the other hand, was apparently fine. He recovered swiftly and opened the eyes that had tightly closed, in the moment, to stare up at Steve in silence even as he curled his tongue around the underside of his friend’s tip.

As hot as it was, staring down into those big eyes with luscious, cherry-colored lips around his cock as the warmth of Bucky’s mouth suffused his entire form, Steve would endeavor to have better control over himself from there on in. He grit his jaw enough to pop his temple audibly and chewed on his bottom lip.

The sound was overheard by Bucky, however, who pulled his head up and released the suction with a lascivious slurp. **“Mmn--** **_relax,_ ** **baby…”** whispered the brunette, his voice thick and husky. **“It’s okay. No harm done. I did that too, my first time.”**

Steve’s furrowed brows raised, creasing his forehead. _Doesn’t make it okay, Buck_ , he thought, but the words just wouldn’t come out - not when Bucky was probing his ass in long, deep thrusts. He could barely _breathe_ by now, much less speak.

A strangely sad sort of smile quirked onto Bucky’s lips, before it vanished once more behind a facade Steve understood he meant to be soothing. The larger man knew well how easily Steve’s anxiety and overwhelming sense of guilt sometimes got the better of him, and it was best to leave it alone lest they wanted a heated discussion to arise. Steve would likely have hemmed and hawed about accidentally _fucking_ his friend’s _throat_ for an age...

Which, at the moment, _neither_ of them wanted.

Moving onward from the little hiccup in their passion, Bucky flattened his tongue and slicked it up the underside of Steve’s urethral ridge, clearly experimenting with things he knew felt good on _himself_ . Smart guy, this Barnes. The blonde all but wheezed out a large, shaky puff of air as he quivered once, equally with bliss as with anticipation. **“Nnnh,”** he grunted, softly, trying and failing to put words to his approval.

Emboldened by this response, one edge of Bucky’s mouth twitched up just before he thinned the moist muscle and dipped the tip into the slitted opening of Steve’s crown.

The surprise of how _good_ it felt having the hole he usually pissed from teased like that showed in the sudden shift of his own fingers. He moved them from lovingly cupping Bucky’s cheek, to grasping a desperate handful of his bangs. His lips pressed into a small ring as his shaft flexed, as if he were cumming, but instead, yet more clear, nectary fluid beaded at the cleft. It was quickly and dutifully lapped away by his friend even as the digit inside him was curled suddenly.

**_“AH!”_ ** gasped Steve, throwing his head back to blink wildly at the ceiling as his fingers dug into Bucky’s scalp. A body-jolting shockwave had stampeded through him, rendering his mind temporarily blank and vision whited out.

_What the_ **_HELL_ ** _was_ **_THAT_ ** _?!_

It had been... uncomfortable - too much sensation at once, just like when those lips had first graced the tip of his prick… but this was a whole ‘nother ball game entirely. Like having raw nerve-endings idly brushed… And whatever Bucky had done inside him had made his whole package _seize_ tightly.

Bucky grunted and pressed his head up into the abuse of those nails, momentarily allowing Steve’s member to fall from between his lips with a wet ‘pop.’

**“** ** _Nnguh -- s_ ** **...sorry, buddy. I shoulda warned you about the prostate thing,”** he said, whisking his tongue over his bottom lip to sever a translucent string of saliva tying it to the blonde’s dick. He glanced up to gauge the Steve’s expression, ticking his brows together almost fretfully.

_‘Prostate thing’?_ Is **_that_ ** what it felt like to have his prostate rubbed?! He needed to feel it again to be sure… or maybe that _need_ was entirely non-educational in purpose. Either way, when he felt Bucky pull his finger out a little as if to avoid contact again, Steve dragged in a quick gasp and bit his nails into the flesh he’d claimed before sputtering his pleas.

**“** ** _Don’t_ ** **sto-** **_hop_ ** **\-- f’the love of God, Buck,** **_don’t stop_ ** **…!”**

Bucky’s forehead smoothed and a Cheshire-like grin split his face. **“I wasn’t gonna~!”** he sang, before promptly **_ramming_ ** his finger back inside and hooking it just so.

**_“GAH-AH!”_ ** Steve choked out, jaw dropping and eyes rolling up.

And just like that, he reached his peak. But this… this was unlike any orgasm he’d ever had, awake _or_ asleep. The additional stimulation to that virgin bundle of nerves beckoned a powerful surge that felt as if it arcing from the base of his arching spine, up to his brain, and back again. The world ceased to exist for a half-second, blotting out everything from his thoughts besides the feel of his sack tensing and cock convulsing.

As he started to return to reality, he realized Bucky had formed his mouth about his spasming shaft and was _sucking_ , bobbing his head, dragging every last drop of what he had from him. Lurid thoughts propelled themselves form the deepest recesses of the polite, God-fearing man that he’d later remember and be shamed by.

_Oh, God. Oh, **God** , yeah! Suck me dry, Buck…! Christ, it’s so good…  So good, cummin’ in your mouth… _

Of course, instead of any of that coming to light, all Steve could manage was a barely discernable cry of unbridled bliss.

**_“Buh-uckyyy… Mn! Nnh~!”_ **

He was… _whimpering_ the other man’s name… And rather loudly, at that. Writhing, scrabbling at his friend’s skull and fruitlessly gasping for air, but the torrent didn’t seem to end. Throb after throb, he just kept cumming, until he realized Bucky’s mouth was filling up and the back-wash of warm, white fluid was forced to dribble lewdly from his lips. It dripped onto his flexed abdomen and oozed down the center line, pooling at his navel, but eventually, the deluge petered out, until he was pulsing blanks.

Still, however, he whispered Bucky’s name, over and over, like a prayer. **_“Bucky… Ohh, Buck…”_ **

And the whole time, Bucky continued sucking as best as he could, staring up at Steve unblinkingly as he slowly thrust that merciless digit in and out of the clenching hole. At length, however, once he felt Steve’s climax start calming down, he gently eased his finger out, gave one final strong upward pull of his lips, and raised his head. The hand Steve had had tangled in his hair flopped to rest on his own quivering thigh.

Bucky smiled, close-mouthed and bright-eyed, looking rather pleased with himself, although the expression was made extremely salacious and possibly a bit silly by the drool and cum glazing his lips and chin. Steve languidly blinked at him through unfocused eyes, at a loss for words while he rushed to catch his breath and steady the heartbeat hammering in his chest.

Something in Steve’s utterly spent expression amused Bucky to no end, eliciting a strange, garbled snort before he broke their gaze and sat up.

**“How gid you shwallow all ob mine?!”** Bucky asked incredulously, reaching from under the quilt for the handkerchief stashed in his trousers before spitting the mouthful of seed into it. **“Thptew! Ugh… You’re a champion, man. That was too much for me.”**

**“Ahh… I-I dunno…”** sighed Steve, lolling his head to the side to keep Bucky in his sights. His body all but melted into the mattress and limbs felt useless, jelly-like. **“It wasn’t that bad.”**

**“Blegh…** **_nnyeh_ ** **\-- says** **_you_ ** **,”** Bucky muttered ruefully after scraping his tongue with his kerchief. **“Maybe I didn’t go as much. Can’t blame ya, though. First time gettin’ the old p-zone tickled is a doozy. Pumps everything outta ya. I’m-a get us some water.”**

Mention of a drink had Steve subconsciously swallowing, but all his panting combined with what remained of Bucky’s fluids had left him completely parched. **“Thanks, pal,”** he croaked softly.


	8. The Witch of the Orphanage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ _ **Author's Note:** Trigger warnings for child-abuse and homophobic assault in this chapter._ ]

He grabbed his trousers and tried to sop up some of the mess on his stomach as Bucky nodded and tugged his drawers on. It just sorta felt like he was spreading schmutz around, so he tried wiping off his dick and ass instead, which had more success, but made him wince with how sensitive he was.

As post-orgasmic shivers wracked his bony frame once more, he considered, again, what it had been like for Bucky to finger himself while thinking of his friend. Had it been lonely, bringing himself to his peak and thinking that the object of his desire would never feel the same about him?

It _had_  to have been… isolating. Steve’d put two and two together earlier, realizing that _he_ was part of the reason Bucky had lost himself to the booze, but now the subject reemerged in his brain with a poignant pang in his chest. Facing the pain of being a homosexual and being in love with your best friend had been hard on Steve, but it had almost _destroyed_ Bucky.

_I’m such a bonehead_ , sighed the blonde, yanking his underwear on and tossing the stained clothes to the floor and gathering the quilts about himself. He curled up into the fetal position and stared listlessly at the door to the bedroom until Bucky returned, cup and dish towel in either hand.

At once witnessing something in Steve’s pensive expression, the brunette hesitated, and their eyes met.

**“Hey, Stevie,”** he murmured gently, moving to his friend and holding out the glass of water. **“I’m sorry I came on so strong. And about all the salty language. I know you’re not so hot on that kinda stuff.”**

Steve couldn’t bear the compounded guilt he saw in the other man’s face, so he focused his gaze on the cup as he took in in both hands, being extra careful with how shaky they were. **“It’s f-fine, Buck. I wanted it t-to happen. M-maybe not exactly like** **_that_** **, but… ya know. I’m g-glad it did.”**

Even though he’d looked away, he still caught Bucky’s lips twitching up with mild amusement in the corner of his vision.

**“So I guess you just get the shivers every time you go, huh?”** asked Bucky, watching his friend intently.

**“I g-guess so,”** Steve replied, before taking a few sips of the water. He cleared his throat and placed the cup on the rickety nightstand beside the bed. After a shake of his head, he sunk his arm back beneath the covers with a rueful mutter. **“S’r-really annoying...”**

Bucky chuffed quietly, stepping back over to the door to turn off the lamp and plunge the room into darkness. The only illumination that remained was but a sliver of silvery moonlight cast from the window between their beds onto the floor.

**“** ** _I_ ****think it’s cute,”** Bucky insisted, stepping to the end of the bed to climb onto the mattress and crawl up behind the much smaller man. He pulled back the covers and lay down before spooning his half-naked form up against the other’s. **“Here,”** he said, snaking his arm around and wiping at Steve’s abdomen. He’d moistened the rag he brought, so it did a much better job of cleaning things up than Steve’s own clothes. _Good thinking, Barnes._

Or maybe just more experienced with cleaning up cum stains. _Yikes._

Trying not to think about how many lonely nights Bucky had spent sopping up his own fluids, possibly on this very bed, Steve took the initiative and grabbed the cloth from him. **“Thanks,”** he repeated. Once he’d gotten everything he could think of on his stomach and gave his prick a quick once over, he reached out of the covers and flung the towel onto the pile of clothes on the floor with surprisingly accurate aim.

**“So…”** Bucky began, pressing his nose into Steve’s nape. For a guy who’s mouth usually ran a mile a minute, he was suddenly pretty tight-lipped. Steve’s gut clenched with apprehension. **“Can we… talk about why you don’t uh… Well, you know. Why you seem like you’re so… I dunno if ‘afraid’ is the right word… Hesitant? I dunno.”**

Steve grimaced, but slowly pulled in a long, chest-expanding breath that helped still his tremors and calm his nerves a little. **“You wanna know why I don’t ‘service myself.’”**

He felt Bucky’s bashful laughter more than heard it, feathering over his bare shoulders. The arm about his waist squeezed a little tighter, making him feel… safer. **“Heh, yeah. Among other things,”** Bucky relented.

Endeavoring to anchor his thoughts to the security wrought from being cuddled up against a warm body, being in Bucky’s powerful arms, Steve delved into the vaults of his mind, reaching into the darkest, forcibly forgotten corners to dredge up images from his past.

After what likely seemed like an eternity to poor Bucky, he finally spoke, though his words were so distant, so hollow, it was as if he were reading from a script.

**“I’ve been… ashamed of myself for a long time, Buck. Of those kinda urges. It’s… When I was twelve, someone… walked in on me... doing that,”** he began. He would have continued, if not for Bucky’s interjection.

**“Who…?”** asked the other man cautiously, concern barely reined in.

**“S...Sister Mary Margaret,”** Steve managed to force out, his stomach churning at the mere mention of her name.

The horror that struck Bucky’s body rigid against him lowered his voice even further, to a veritable whisper. **“Oh, no… Not _her_...”**

_Yes, her. The ‘Witch of the Orphanage.’_

That woman had been the bane of their young existence, finding fault in every little thing they did. She ruled the schoolyard and the rest of the ‘Sisters of Mercy’ with an iron fist, smacking the behinds of the boys for any indiscretion, even if it was the girls that had done it. Children at their orphanage -- the ‘Angel Guardian Home for Little Children’ --  learned to fear her and her yardstick as if she were the Devil incarnate.

Steve nodded, swallowing back bile. **“She uh… she found me in the coat closet. I had my face buried in…** **_ehem_ ** **\--y-your jacket…”**

This was sounding weirder and weirder to him as he spoke it aloud for the first time. How revolted would Bucky be to know he was some sort of perverted clothing sniffer? At the time, it had seemed so innocent… he’d just wanted to smell something that made him feel safe, made his body come alive in ways he didn’t yet understand. How was he to know it was strange to put your nose in your friend’s jacket while touching yourself? He was but a confused, hormone-ridden _child._

**“Aw, Stevie…”** murmured Bucky, pressing a tentative kiss to the blonde’s neck. **“You… you had eyes for me… even then.”**

It wasn’t a question. Why would it be? The subject matter had made it plainly obvious just how deeply and for how long Steve had been in love with his best friend. It was encouraging, at the very least, that Bucky seemed to find it endearing instead of creepy.

Again, Steve bobbed his head, answering the rhetorical question in silence. He just had to keep going, no matter how much thinking about this made his skin crawl. Another breath was taken in before he forged ahead.

**“She took out her yardstick and hit my… she hit my… In the, uh, private parts.”**

Struck dumb, Bucky tried to offer comfort by way of moving the arm about Steve’s midsection up to his chest, gently stroking his collarbone. Steve layered his forearm over his friend’s and stilled his hands with gripping fingers; he couldn’t handle being touched that way at this moment. Not during this story. He just had to get it all out, so it could be in the open and done with.

**“Called me a much of names -- I was a sinner and a faggot, a homosexual, a s-** **_sodomizer_ ** **…”** God, he hated that word. **“She said she was gonna... cut it** **_off_ ** **and have me made into a eunuch. She just kept** **_hitting_ ** **it and** **_hitting_ ** **it until I… I think I blacked out?”**

At this, Steve shifted in Bucky’s grasp, turning his face into the pillow and tightly cinching his eyes shut. He shifted his focus as well, to keep his breathing normal, feeling the tightness in his chest of another attack coming on. But… he had to fight it. In the silence, Bucky spoke up, his words sounding dreamy and awestruck as realization after almost two decades finally set in.

**“I heard you were getting your ass beat, an’ I wanted to punch that** **_bi_ ** **\-- that woman in the face,”** he said, stumbling over using safer words for the other even as his anger mounted. **“Had I known what she was really doin’ to ya I woulda… I woulda just** **_killed_ ** **her.”**

Steve sighed quietly. That was… sweet, in a weird way, for Bucky to offer… But he wasn’t done - not by a long-shot. **“That’s not the end…”** he muttered, angling his mouth away from the pillow to be heard better. No, that was _far_ from the end.


	9. Father Winslow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ _ **Author's Note:** Trigger warnings for sexual abuse on a child. Apologies if this warning ruins some things for some, but I care about **all** my readers  <3_]

**“Shi-- You’re kidding me,”** Bucky said, ducking his head down and muffling the curse on his lips against Steve’s back.

**_“If only,”_ ** retorted Steve with uncharacteristic bite. The continuation of his tawdry tale returned the vacant hollowness to his voice. Detachment as a means of self-preservation - he’d read that in some science book, in school. Didn’t seem to be working all that well. **“When I came to, she pulled up my trousers and dragged me to Father Winslow’s office by the collar. She told him what happened -- everything -- and then just… left me alone with him. I thought I was… just gonna get another beatin’, but...”**

Blessedly, Bucky remained silent and utterly still, apparently realizing that any further input from him might upset Steve further. Wordlessly appreciative, the blonde went on.

**“He told me to take off my pants so he could see what Sister Mary had done, but I refused, so he uh… he threatened to tell you about what I’d been doing. Said he’d tell** **_ALL_ ** **the boys. So I did what he asked, ‘cause I couldn’t… I couldn’t think about what you’d say, what you’d do if you found out I was a queer… I didn’t wanna lose you, Buck...”** he trailed off, raising his hand to his face to rake his bangs from his vision, but they fell right back into place. Typical.

The panic he’d felt that day, even considering Bucky being disgusted with him, or worse, refusing to associate with him... He couldn’t have lived with that kind of pain, so he had chosen what he considered, at the time, to be the lesser of two evils.

**“So... I did what he wanted. I pulled my pants down and showed him the marks, and he… he started… t-touchin’ himself while he put his ha-hand on my…”**

Even as he spoke, his fingers clenched around Bucky’s, nails cutting into his own palm. What a sick, twisted thing to do to a kid. Had he been the only one? If he could only go back and change everything, fight back instead of taking it like a coward… Maybe the priest would have stopped. Maybe he wouldn’t have laid his hands on another kid - ever again. Steve flared his nostrils, furious at his own inaction.

**“And I couldn’t...** **_DO_ ** **anything! It was like I was frozen there. I was shaking, so scared, so** **_angry_ ** **… but he k-kept sayin’ that I’d forsaken G-God and that he had to** **_‘cleanse’_ ** **me… And… ah-and...”**

By then, the anxiety he’d been fighting so mightily had crept into his body and wrested control from him. Just as he had on that day, with a priest fondling him, he felt the air burn in his lungs, felt his stomach twisting and roiling. Bucky could not stop himself any longer - he whispered **‘Breathe…’** into Steve’s ear, but the smaller man had to finish, even if it meant wheezing his way through it. He was so close to finally getting this all off of his chest…

**“-- A-and while --** **_hnnh!_ ** **\-- he was touchin’ me, I got… my body got** **_excited_ ** **, so I th-thought --** **_hnn!_ ** **\--  I thought m-maybe part of me** **_wanted_ ** **all of this, ya know? That I** **_deserved_ ** **it. That that’s what being a homosexual** **_WAS._ ** **I c-couldn’t… I just stopped b-breathing and I must’ve passed out again…”**

And yet, beneath the crashing thunderstorm of these memories bombarding him with emotions he thought he’d long since put behind him, his best friend was still beside him, whispering to him, splaying his fingers over his panting chest. **“Breathe with me, buddy… in and out…”**

There was no judgement. There was no disgust. There was no fear. There was only unconditional acceptance. _Love._

He could do this. Bucky still wanted him, after all this… or at the very least, he still cared about him. That’s what mattered - not the past. Not the damage that had been done to him. Not the ghosts that haunted his mind.

Steve forcibly unclenched his muscles and synced his breathing with Bucky’s, feeling the way the larger man’s chest expanded, pressing his pectorals into his bony shoulder blades.

_He’s still here… He’s right here, with_ **_me_ ** _…_

With that empowering thought alone, he got through the final snippet as swiftly as possible, like ripping a bandage off a wound.

**“...When I woke up, I was on the couch, my pants were back on, and Father Winslow and Sister Mary were arguing about me. I can’t… really remember what she said to** **_him_ ** **, but when she came over to me, she said I couldn’t ever tell anyone. If I did… God would never forgive my sins, and I’d burn in Hell -- you know the deal. S’not like I… ever really wanted to anyway, so her sayin’ that was just… redundant,”** he muttered, a verbal shrug evident in his tone. **“So I just sorta… I went numb. She brought me back back to my cot in our room, and… that was it. Never told a soul.”**

Back in the present, Bucky cradled against him, and for a few moments, allowed the silence to hang heavily between them. At length, the ritual of breathing with the asthmatic blonde came to an end when Steve relinquished his white-knuckled grip on Bucky’s hand and turned his head to try to view the other through his periphery. At this angle and in the darkness, however, he could only make out the outline of the other man’s jaw and the faint glimmer of his eye. Was he… holding back tears?

**“I’m so sorry, Steve… I had no idea. What those two did… none of that was your fault, babydoll. You gettin’ excited was just your body, not you, okay? It** **_wasn’t_ ** **your fault.”**

Somewhere, the logical part of Steve understood that to be factual, but he could still remember the way Father Wilson had started moaning when he’d gotten hard… Still smelt his breath, felt his fingers on his bruised and battered private parts…

Bucky clutched him tightly once, saving his friend from his own thoughts once more. His voice was so soft, but Steve could still hear the smallest warble to it. **“We don’t ever have t’do anything like this ever again. I’m just…”**

He paused, swallowing thickly as he pulled his arm out from under Steve’s and reached up to tuck a pale, errant strand behind his friend’s ear. **“I’m happy just being with you at all.”**

The tenderness of such a simple action, and the regret Steve heard in those words made his heart ache. Bucky was feeling guilty about what they’d just done, no doubt, but there was no way in Hell Steve would take any of it back. He spoke softly, then, wary of his own reaction.   **“I wanna… I wanna do** **_everything_ ** **for you, Buck. I wanna make love with you, be the man you need me to be. But I** **_c-can’t_ ** **…”** he explained, though his voice cracked with emotion upon the final syllable. In an aggravated growl that curled his lips with the sheer self-loathing pouring through him, he endeavored to release Bucky of his prior commitments, spoken and unspoken.

**“I’m** ** _broken._** **You deserve better than me, pal.** **You should just… find a nice dame and settle down with** ** _her_** **instea-** ** _”_**

Bucky scoffed, drawing Steve’s brows together high on his head in surprise as he was cut off. **“And leave my best guy high and dry? I don’t** **_think_ ** **so, buddy boy. You’re not broken, Stevie - you’re still everything I want. And if you want me too, then, heck, I’m more than willing to give us a try. We’ll just… take it slow, okay?”**

Steve twisted his torso around to better face his friend as he smoothed his fingers along his jaw. The roguish smirk dancing on Bucky’s lips faltered as he waited for a response. Finally, Steve shook his head and sighed, a weary smile flicking onto his features. He’d been on such a physical and emotional rollercoaster that night that almost anything seemed like a good idea, but this, especially, had sound reasoning.

**“Sounds good to me, buddy,”** he murmured, before pressing a chaste kiss to his newfound lover’s mouth.

_Slow and steady..._

They hadn’t even said they’d loved each other yet, but maybe, for now, it didn’t need to be said. There would be time for all of that later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ _ **Author's Note:** And so ends part one of 'Good Enough'! Tell me what you think while I work on parts two and three. I survive purely on your feedback, my dears~!_
> 
> _**P.S.** Sorry/Not sorry for absolutely **destroying** Steve, but at least you understand why such a little thing as Nat's 'public displays of affection' make him uncomfortable. _
> 
> _**In related news about when I role-play Steve:** Although the parts about Bucky and Steve getting together before the war are usually nixed in the canons of various RPs, Steve will always have the Witch of the Orphanage and Father Winslow be a part of his history. Future Bucky players have been warned!_
> 
> _Follow my in-character Steve blog and hit me up with RP and Ask Cap at: **TheStar-SpangledAvenger.tumblr.com**_ ]


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